" 4 May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.
5 We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the LORD grant all your requests.
7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. "
--------------------------- Psalm 20: 4, 5, 7
通常開始靈修前, 我會先寫下一堆腦袋裡裝的事。前兩天在寫下很想要但買不下手的包包, 做不出來但隔天要交的財務模型後, 看著v.4~7, 相當有感覺的。固然我希望這是 神對於我的requests的回答, 但也明白更多這是一個祝福, but not guarantee for the results. 有一部分是確定的, 有另一部分是不那麼確定的。But Lord, thank you, I really pray that may my thoughts and my plans are pleased to You.
確定的是當我回頭看自己走過的路, I do think I get this specific blessing of Psalm 20:4 from God, and he has made all my plans succeed. 因為 神恩待我 , 我就不枉然勞力也不枉然儆醒。至於why He always responds to me? 2 reasons I can figure out so far:
I. Because my Lord favors me.
理由? 這個理由應該就相當self-explained了。即便是在最困難與低潮的日子, 我始終知道我的 神favors我, 祂並沒有丟下我一個人。我或著可以試著去想很多被favor的原因, 不過基本上那蠻廢的, 因為再多理由都不足以充分解釋我的 神為什麼選擇愛我又favor我。
II. Because I bring my desires and my plans before my Lord, and wait in expectation.
一方面是將我的想法與計畫, 與 神分享, 另一方面, 在一次又一次的分享討論, 等候與execute的過程中, the plans and the desires have been changed and modified from ver.1 to ver….N. 就像之前的體會吧, 當我把夢想, 計畫與請求帶到 神的面前時, 祂是真的會回應的, 但不一定會照著我的想法回應。於是, 是, 神確實成就了我的計畫, 給了我我心中所想要的, 但通常當我將”最終版”的計畫, 也就是 神成就的那一個版本與我一開始提出來的”原型版”做比較時, 大多數時候我會發現兩者不太一樣, 或著已經相距甚遠。
過程中的改變, 可以是conscious也可以是unconscious. 前者常是一個學習謙卑, 將主權讓出, 一個step out the comfort zone的過程。後者則泰半是在每日靈修中一點一點formed up, 或著是和 神有一個really smoothly discussion. 後者的關鍵常是在於在我裡面的plan ver.1 was not quite set yet, and I was in a mindset of searching God to discuss about it, and form it up. 於是以結果而論, 確實 神成就了我的計畫, 給予了我心中所想要的。
基於以上這兩點, 每逢有新的挑戰與desires時, 我相信我的 神有能力使我的計畫成就, 而不確定的是在於 神是否會給予我現在想要的。不是在於懷疑 神是否favor我, 是否有聽我的禱告, 而是在於不確定從我的觀點, 這些是我所想要的, 從 神的觀點, 這是否是祂要給的, 還是祂有不一樣的計畫與祝福。In other word, I bring my version of plan to God, and God has the authority to change the version. Kind of like what’s stated in Proverbs 16:9 “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps”. Stand on the ver.1, I’m not so sure whether God will accept my proposal, yet stand from a longer time horizon and have a broader view, I’m confident enough that my Lord is the one who makes my plans succeed. I can even say, God modifies my version because He wants me to succeed. He changes my plan for the goodness.
"1 O LORD, the king rejoices in your strength.
How great is his joy in the victories you give!
2 You have granted him the desire of his heart
and have not withheld the request of his lips. "
--------------------------- Psalm 21:1~2
前晚, 寫完上篇筆記寫完時我正焦慮隔天早上可能要兩手一攤進入和資深分析師的prep meeting, 但昨天一早一進入公司收到的第一封信, 就是和老闆的會議延到下週一, 所以之前的prep meeting延到下午。而更奇蹟的是我竟然在半個早上內, 成功的架構起那個苦想了一個半星期都不知道怎麼開始的財務模型。下午帶著那個模型的雛型, 連同前兩三天建構的另一個模型與presentation進入會議, 資深同事相當impressed。
我的欣喜溢於言表。But the story didn’t stop here. 下班後有個很強的感動(對! 這一定是感動~=w=), 相隔僅一星期回到店裡看那個讓我至少看過三次, 但即便是感恩節30% off加today only: 20% off也買不下手的包包。算了一下, 心裏有個感覺上不太容易達到的折扣。Guess what? 走進店裡時我看見它被放在出清的架子上: 50% off加上today only: 20% off, 完全正是我算的理想價格。但我要的那個version賣光了, 另一個沒那麼愛的version還剩最後一個 --- 超掙扎的。Anyway, make the long story short, 因為我的 神favors我, 所以最後我拿到了the exact one with the exactly sweeeeeeet price。
Then I saw Psalm 21 the next early morning. 從Psalm 20:4, “May He gives you the desire of your heart” 到Psalm 21:2, “You have granted him the desire of his heart” --- 神真的將我心裡所想要的給了我了。即便我不是總是那麼有把握, 也不是那麼有智慧來完全分辨到底我的version距離final version還有多遠, 但是祂總是在我的有限中接納我。我因我的 神所給的禮物而雀躍不已, 興奮到沒有辦法不跳起來時, 我幾乎可以感受到, 我的主我的父, 是真的很開心看見我喜歡祂給的禮物。He loves to see that I’m simply happy and satisfied without any holdbacks or second thought because of his gifts and grace. 在我這麼想的時候, 有個意念進來, “You know what’s the 3rd. reason? Because your simple joy and pure thankfulness, I love to give you what you’ve desired.”
I know my Lord favors me. This is my sharing to respond the favors I got, and to bring out my thanks at this thankful season=)
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